Coping With Pet Loss

This year, I’ve had not one, but two, friends whose pups have been dealt the devastating diagnosis of Canine Degenerative Myelopathy (commonly referred to as DM). DM is a progressive disease of the spinal cord resulting in hind leg weakness, and eventually paralysis. Last week, one of those friends reached the heartbreaking decision that it was time to let go. We found ourselves talking a lot about coping with pet loss.

Euthanasia

Let’s talk about euthanasia. The ugly truth is this: if you’re managing a progressive illness, or caring for a super senior in their most golden years, at some point you will wrestle with the question “Is it time to them go?”

As a pet parent, I’ve never wanted to let go. I do everything I can to keep them comfortable and happy, and to enjoy the time we have together – which may look very different than it used to look. But when their decline is so significant, and their enjoyment and quality of life has slipped away, that is when I start to wrestle with setting aside my fear of letting go, and putting their comfort and dignity first.

Only you can make the decision if the time is right. Trust in the advice of your veterinarian, and trust your gut. You will never feel good about making this decision. You’ll waffle between whether you’re rushing it vs. that you’ve waited too long. This is a time in your life that sucks no matter how you slice it.

If you are in the situation where you can plan ahead, speak with your veterinarian about at home euthanasia. If your veterinarian doesn’t offer this, it is worth finding a mobile veterinarian who does. Being at home, in the space where you are all comfortable, makes this experience just a tiny bit less awful.

If you find yourself having trouble making the appointment, ask a trusted friend or family member to do it for you. Or simply tell the veterinarian that it’s time, and allow them to tell you their earliest availability. Then just continue making every last moment count.

After they’re gone

Every time I’ve lost a dog, I crawl back in bed, cry my eyes out, and nap. Then I scroll endlessly through photos and videos, which inevitably makes me cry some more, laugh, and then cry again. Pet loss is an emotional rollercoaster.

My friend mentioned feeling guilty for doing anything other than cry. I think that’s a very normal feeling. But, your love and loss are not measured by how sad you are. Do whatever feels right, even it’s just to get your mind off of things. Don’t punish yourself for directing your attention elsewhere. Sometimes, you’re just all cried out.

There are many other scenarios of guilt you’ll struggle with after the death of a pet. Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited? I could have done something more, or I should have done something sooner. If your pet was ill, you’ll inevitably second guess every treatment decision you made along the way. If your pet was involved in accident, you’ll beat yourself up over how this could have happened. Even when I logically know I did everything right by them, guilt still finds a way of creeping in. If mistakes really were made, honor your pet by learning from them. And give yourself some grace.

Another feeling I struggled with after losing my Chocolate Lab Ginger was relief. Of course, it was also followed by the aforementioned guilt for having felt any relief at all. Caring for Ginger during the last year of her life was so very exhausting. And the last month was nothing short of brutal. If I could do it again tomorrow, I would do it in a heartbeat. But when we finally let her go, I had this overwhelming sense of relief. I don’t think I realized just how much stress I was under until she was gone. It was like a weight lifted. Then, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself…I had lost my purpose, and it was like I had too much time on my hands.

Hold on to the memories

When you’ve lost a pet, you will inevitably take a lot of strolls down memory lane. Write these things down. But not just the “big” memories. I encourage you to write down the most mundane stuff. The things that are so much a part of your life, you don’t think it’s even possible to forget them. You’ll probably shed a lot of tears as you do this.

Start your list as soon as possible, before those mundane memories start to fade. Even months after a loss, I find myself thinking of little things to add. Reading these memories back years later will really take you back. I’m always amazed just how much stuff that was so much a part of my life has been forgotten. Things like the little scar on the left side of Cedric’s nose, that Ginger would always “rinse” after having her teeth brushed, or the two dozen nicknames and songs by which Lily was known. I’m grateful for these reminders, and as the years the pass, reading them back brings a little more smiles than tears.

Dog Heaven

If you have kids in your life of the two legged variety, you’re dealing with a whole other layer of grief than just your own. May I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant (there is a Cat Heaven too). The book offers a whimsical look at the life of a dogs who have gone on to dog heaven, where beds are made of clouds, and the biscuits are shaped like squirrels. I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to first buying this book for myself as an adult.

In Memoriam

Making a donation to an animal welfare group in your pet’s memory is another great way to honor the life you had together. It’s also a thoughtful way to offer comfort to a friend who is struggling with the loss of a pet. When I lost Ginger, my friends collectively made a donation in her memory to the rescue which brought her into my life.

To honor Maddie and the place she has in my friend’s heart, I’ve made a donation to Finding the Cure for DM Foundation Inc. in Maddie’s memory. This 501(c)3 nonprofit organization funds research on the causes, treatment, and hopefully one day, a cure for Degenerative Myelopathy.

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